Friends with Benefits/Colombiana (both out 9th Sept)

This week we have two lovely films about hot girls who, due to parental abandonment in childhood, now have trust issues and are emotionally stunted. The results are slightly different in each case.

In Friends With Benefits, the tiny cute Jamie lady (Mila Klunis) never knew her real father, and her irresponsible slutty mum makes endless contradictory statements about his nationality. As a result, she is constantly looking for "Prince Charming" and her high expectations are putting off chaps. In Colombiana, our lithe spunky Cataleya (Zoe Saldana - the tall blue gal in Avatar) also has trust issues when it comes to fellas, due to witnessing her parents murder at the hands of some nasty drug baron man, but unlike Jamie, who is an executive headhunter, Cataleya likes to murder criminals and naughty people, and draw flowers on their corpses. Both of the gals are using men for sex - Justin Timberlake is the Friend with Benefits of the title, and Cateleya is having saucy times with some artist guy (his paintings are terrible btw).

Both the movies are likeable, I had a few giggles (though perhaps parts of Colombiana are unintentionally funny. Some of the dialogue is clunky, and there's an excellent fight scene involving bathroom equipment - no, not razors, but a towel and toothbrushes). Friends With Benefits tries to weave in a rather serious storyline about a parent with Altzheimers in amongst the lightweight rom-com. It tries to be a bit clever and post-modern, whilst the characters make a big deal of how life is not like the romantic movies of Hollywood, whilst ultimately forming a "will they, won't they?" romance typical of romantic movies in Hollywood. I would like to have seen more of Andy Samberg and Emma Stone, who pop up in the beginning as ex-partners. In fact, I would much rather see a movie about those two hooking up.

If you fancy a night at the flicks and there's not much else on, I would say "yeah, go and watch one of these, why not?" but I wouldn't rush out to the cinema specially to see them. Especially the cost of the cinema these days. Tisk! And sneak your own pick'n'mix in.

Cowboys and Aliens (out 17th August)

Bloody aliens. Coming to our world, taking all our jobs and our women. And our lovely shiny gold. Did you know that the strained relations between Native Americans, white men and Mexicans were eventually calmed by the three parties reuniting against an alien invasion? I didn't either, until I watched this documentary.

Jake - who looks like Daniel Craig - wakes up in the wild west with a stomach wound, no memory and a fancy handcuff bracelet. We only know his name because his face is all over Wanted posters in Absolution (one of those dramatically named USA desert towns). A sexy mysterious lady Ella (Olivia Wilde) is desperate to jog his memory, but before she can, there's a big kefuffle with the Sherriff, tough nut Colonel Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford), his moronic drunk son and a load of scary shiny flying "demons" who lasso and kidnap half the townsfolk. Alpha male Dolarhyde and the other Alpha male Jake and then the Alpha male Native American tribe leader have a bit of a power struggle but ultimately must combine their skills and weapons to beat the (pretty bloody scary) aliens and save the abducted humans.

There isn't really too much character development. There's some father-son stuff with Harrison Ford, some kinda giving up crime for love shizzle with Jake and "don't underestimate the woman" girl power with Ella. And there's a couple of plot holes (kids dad has been missing for a year but he's not on the spacecraft, there's a boat abandoned in the middle of the desert ... hmmm okay). Doesn't really matter though, because there's some enjoyable cowboy movie moments mixed in with great alien scraps. A lot of silly fun.

Captain America (out 29th July)

There once was a Nazi so evil that he even hated other Nazis, including Hilter. He looked just like another evil man, from The Matrix, and he wore badges with an evil skull octopus on, and he was just all evil and stuff (Hugo Weaving).

Luckily for us, and the whole world, a genius scientist has taken his super awesome serum project to America (where else? no other country could win a war) and teamed up with an angry weather beaten Army guy (Tommy Lee Jones) to find a modest heroic type to turn into a super soldier. Cue tiny Stevie Rogers (Chris Evans - not the ginger one) with his big head and skinny little shoulders, he's all goofy and stuff. But he is so awesome and brave, and all that sort of thing. If they hadn't plastered his huge torso all over the posters and tv it might be more surprising when he pops out the machine with pecs galore. Not that I'm complaining, in fact my main complaint would be that this guy wears too many clothes - he needs to take his shirt off more often. Anyway, now we have a super-buff super-moral nemisis to take out the creepy Nazi man.

I couldn't concentrate properly on some scenes because I was trying to figure out which bits were filmed in my stomping ground of Manchester. I can't believe a total beefcake like Chris Evans was in Manchester and I didn't see him once. Unfaaaaaaaaaaaair.

It's all rather enjoyable. Don't bother paying extra for 3D, the best stunts are those with real people on motorbikes and such. CGI is getting boring. There's a nice little cliff hanger featuring a man who's in hardly any films (Samuel L Jackson), but don't worry if you are left unsatisfied by his brief appearance - apparently Marvel have already started working on a sequel (and Chris Evans has signed up for a deal to make 6 Marvel films - and dear lord, they can't be making any more Fantastic Four, bleurgh)

Horrible Bosses (out 22nd July)

I saw this trailer for this a few weeks ago and thought "ha, yes, this looks sort of funny but they appear to have revealed the entire film in these clips". So the premise is - our three average hard-working fellas are just trying to get by in life, but sadly each is suffering due to pyscho managers. Or horrible bosses, if you will.

The guy who looks a bit like the nerdy fella from The Hangover (but isn't) is working for a balding anti-fat anti-disabled coke head, played by Colin Farrell. The guy who I haven't seen in anything before is subjected to sexual harassment by his mental boss every day, which might be ok except he has a fiance who prob won't like Jennifer Aniston touching her future hubby's peenee every day and the guy who I liked (Jason Bateman) in Paul and Arrested Development but not in Hancock - yuk - is being taunted by an alpha-alpha-ALPHA male Kevin Spacey. So one tipsy night whilst bitching over a drink, and realising that all this recession nonsense is sucking up the job market, they decide to... teehee... kill their bosses! I haven't spoiled anything - this is all summed up nicely in the trailer and promo posters. So you kind of think "where can they go from here?" Surely we've already seen most of the laughs and the plot.

But I was pleasantly surprised that there are plenty of further twists and LOLs (I used to use LOL ironically, but I think I actually mean it now) as the trio flirt with the idea of murder, and then realise that trying to find a hitman might not be as easy as it seems, at least not when you're a gang of ordinary businessman mixing with nice pals who live in a nice neighbourhood. The three bosses are all amusingly bonkers and there's a nice little cameo by Ioan Gruffudd (probably the best thing I've seen him do - I almost forgive him for Fantastic Four). The plot becomes a bit tangled and then a bit more tangled and it all seems to be headed for a fabulous ending. Ah, the ending. Unfortunately, this is where my only real disappointment with the film lies (apart from a small pang of sadness that Donald Sutherland isn't in it for longer, I love that guy). It's a bit sharp and short, like being on an awesome rollercoaster, waiting for the big whoopsie-do-upside-down spin... this is it! ooooh! can't wait!... Oh. It's finished. What? But you promised me this big awesome loopy loop? BOO! Boo to you!

"Horrible Bosses" is still worth a watch though.

Bridesmaids (out 24th June)

Bridesmaids has been touted as "the female Hangover", which I think is quite a lazy comparison. As much I enjoyed The Hangover, the only real solid link between the two is a wedding (in which case you could say "Oh, Bridesmaids is like an all-female Eastenders/Pride and Prejudice/Harry Potter Deathly Hallows/anything ever made with a wedding"). Rather than an invigorating 2 day romp around Vegas, this is more of a (rather hilarious) take on how the dynamics of a friendship can be affected by the stresses of an engagement, job loss and general grown up rubbish. Thrown in a seemingly perfect and beautiful (but actually an idea-stealing BITCH) new pal competing to be "best friend" and it's like, total OMG lolzzz.

Annie (Kristen Wigg, who has been a personal favourite of mine since playing dog obsessive Brahbrah in Flight of the Conchords) is having a crappy time, since her cake business failed, her boyfriend left and she's sharing an apartment with two chubby and weird English siblings (Matt Lucas and a girl who looks a LOT like Matt Lucas in a wig, but isn't, she is actually a real girl). But she was able to face it all with their help of her best friend Lillian. Until that bloody Lillian only goes and gets engaged. So Annie is left trying to sort out her life whilst organising dress fittings, hen parties and bridal showers. This would normally be the kind of film I hate, but it's dealt with such cheeky and awkward humour that I laughed lots.

There is a brief mention of writing in a journal, but instead of pouring her heart out into some pretentious diary entries like a moon-faced pretend Brit, Annie takes her frustrations out through such activities as rolling around on the floor smashing up a giant cookie (it'll make sense when you see the film). The characterisation is so well developed, I even found myself developing a crush on tiny eyed Roy from the IT Crowd (Chris O'Dowd, who plays a dweeby policeman). Melissa McCarthy as brash manly Megan is AWESOME, and there is even a basket of puppies wearing berets and, later, tuxedos. This film is GREAT.

Win Win (out 20th May)

Mike Flaherty is an averagely nice, slightly-downtrodden middle aged man (played by Paul Giamatti, a averagely nice, slightly-downtrodden middle aged man). His attorney's practice is not doing that well, as he is just too bloody averagely nice to take on the big earning hard-nosed cases. After work he coaches a high school wrestling team. They're as rubbish as his attorney's practice. Mike's life kinda sucks.

After a failed search for elderly client Leo's estranged daughter, and ever building stress from his dire finances, Mike decides to take legal responsibility for Leo (Paulie from Rocky! YEAH!) - after finding out his guardian will be paid $1500 a month from Leo's estate. Mike pops Leo into a home, with a view to check on him every now and again... et voilà, easy money. That is, until Leo's long lost grandson Kyle turns up. He's got bleached hair, tattoos, and he smokes. His mum is in rehab and Leo's in a home. Mike and his family let Kyle stay the night. Then that becomes two nights, then a week. Mike takes Kyle to a wrestling practise one afternoon. And it turns out Kyle kicks ASS.

It's all going swimmingly, Kyle has injected some excitement into Mike's life. Mike and his family have injected some security and happiness into Kyle's life. Leo's a bit sad about being in the old peoples home but oh well... he's a bit old and bonkers, and sure, Mike is supposed to let Leo move home if he likes, but that's a lot of work, so nevermind... OOPs - here comes Kyle's drug riddled mum. She wants Kyle back, but most of all she wants Leo's money and threatens to expose Mike's unethical actions as Leo's guardian. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!

There's some slight cheeseball moments (for example, the weakest boy on the wrestling team is scared of his opponent because he looks like Darth Vader, Kyle's response "If he's Darth Vader, you're the Secret Apprentice". Bleurgh) but lots of potential cliches were avoided (oooh, if Kyle wins this match, he may get spotted for a college scholarship!!... oh wait, he f*cked it up). This is an enjoyable, feel-good film with some nice silly moments. Lovely.

Water for Elephants (out 4th May)

It's becoming quite the cliché to mention Robert Pattinson's elongated nose-hit-with-a-saucepot face whilst talking about his films, so I shan't comment on it at all. Anyway, in this film he smiles sometimes and he isn't all glittery and shit, so the angles of his face are less apparent. The sad moments are mere plot devices, and thus his moody face is only on the screen for a few minutes, such as the opening moments which explain how our 1930s Polish-American hero Jacob abandoned his veterinary studies to join a travelling circus.

I wasn't expecting to like this movie very much, the posters were a bit rom-com and the title is too clunky for my (wannabe) poet's ears. But when I saw the trailer and realised it starred an actual elephant, and not just some awkward metaphor, I got a bit excited. The elephant doesn't disappoint at all, she is beautiful and clever, like Reese Witherspoon (the glowing acrobatic angel and circus "Star attraction" Marlena).

The Titanic/Phantom of the Opera style beginning - oh look, an elderly person, they must be a bit bonkers, WAIT, they have an interesting story to tell... hey up, they were young once? REALLY?? - sets us up for a potential tragedy, so as the realities of the dreamy circus life start to show through the sparkly haze (animals beatings? throwing staff off moving trains to save money? sounds great) we begin to grow wary of psychotic ring master Christopher Waltz (everyones fave Colonel from Inglourious Basterds).

There are some heart wrenching moments, I nearly shed a tear or two, but the ending is rather family friendly. Well, maybe not suitable for kids, but a lot less depressing than I anticipated anyway. Oh, and Bishop Brennan from Father Ted is in it, and loads of lovely animals. It's nice!